Team Building Exercise
by mabelreid
Summary: Set at the end of season four. Two shot. Strauss orders the team to have a week long team building exercise in the middle of nowhere. Things do not go as planned. A bit of a crack fic and total OOC behavior
1. The Cabin In The Woods

**_Disclaimer: see my profile_**

**_Warning: this is a result of a very strange dream I had the other night. There is total OOC behavior from most of the team so if you don't like that turn back now. It is set after JJ returns from maternity leave around the end of the forth season._**

**_The Cabin in the Woods_**

"Why are we in the middle of nowhere?" Reid asked as he exited the sport utility vehicle. "Can't we do this in the city?"

"I told you," Hotch said in a tone that expressed clear displeasure with the question, "This is a team building exercise. It was Strauss's idea, not mine."

"If we don't cooperate, she'll make our lives hell," Morgan said.

JJ climbed out of the second truck, which carried Emily and Garcia, and their entire luggage for the week. She looked at the woods that surrounded them and scowled. "I agree with Reid. We should've stayed in DC.

The wind suddenly rose and rattled the trees like skeletal bones. The withered leaves, left over from autumn, danced and flapped like bat wings. Winter was dying. Its skies were grey and full of scuttling clouds and the earth seemed poised on the sharp blade of springtime. This year winter wasn't going to leave without a fight.

"That cabin looks like it was built at the turn of the last century," Emily said with disgust. "Look at it… It's falling apart. Where did you find this place?"

"Yeah, why couldn't we use Gideon's cabin or your cabin, Rossi?"

"It's perfect for what we need."

"Is the bridge we just crossed just right for our needs, too?" JJ asked sarcastically. "I don't think we'll be able to re-cross without plunging into that chasm behind us."

"Is it just me, or does this place look like that cabin in "Evil Dead?" Garcia wondered.

"Yeah," Reid agreed. "It looks just like it."

The cabin was small, with a roof that appeared to be held up by little more than crumbling walls and hope. The withered wooded walls were devoid of paint and the door hung crookedly in its doorframe. The windows were intact, but covered with so much grit and dirt they were black. They looked like the blank eyes of serial killer.

"Isn't this the part of the movie where the unsuspecting campers make the bone-headed decision to stay in the creepy old cabin with a chainsaw wielding killer just waiting to pounce and kill them in interesting and bloody ways?"

"I'll protect you, baby-girl."

"I don't think so," Garcia said. "Let's get out of here."

"I'm with you," JJ said.

"We can't leave," Morgan said.

"Watch me," JJ argued.

"I agree," Emily and Reid, said at the same time. "I don't care if Strauss freaks out. We can go back into the town we passed twenty miles back and do our team building. She'll never know the difference."

"We're going to be fine. This isn't a horror movie." Hotch said with finality.

"Every time someone says, "We're going to be fine," in a horror movie, they get their heads chopped off."

"I didn't know you were such a horror movie fan, Reid."

"Scary movies are a way to experience death without physical danger. It's very healthy, actually. Did you know that -?"

"Reid!"

"Sorry, Hotch, but the girls are right about this place. I'm not staying here."

Hotch scowled at them, but Reid and the girls all crossed their arms over their chests and faced off against the rest like an old time Wild West confrontation.

"I'm not afraid of this place. It'll be fun to rough it a little," Rossi said.

"I'm in," Morgan said and he smirked at Garcia. "Come on, baby girl. It'll be fun to get away from technology for awhile."

"Yeah, that's not winning points in your favor, Hot Chocolate."

"It's getting late, I'm leaving," JJ said.

"Me too," Garcia agreed.

"It's barely nine. We left a four am," Morgan reminded them.

"Still, if I hurry I can get back to bed before noon," JJ informed him

"I'm not making you stay if you don't want to stay," Hotch said.

"Good, because I'm leaving," Reid and Emily said, again in unison.

"Come on, Hotch," Rossi said. "Let's get in out of this cold wind."

Reid and the girls climbed back into the second truck. "Have fun," JJ said out the window.

"Yeah, if you do run into a chainsaw wielding psycho," Reid began, "Remember -"

His window went up and interrupted his advice. Morgan laughed at the look Reid threw JJ, who'd put up the electric window on his tangent. She started to SUV and backed it up to make a quick three-point turn.

"Well," Morgan said, "So much for your teambuilding exercise."

Hotch shrugged. "I could hardly make them stay as they're on their own time. Strauss ordered this, not me."

"Well, I say as long as we're here, we might as well enjoy the 18 year old scotch I brought."

Hotch finally smiled. "Sounds good to me."

CMCMCMCMCMCMCM

It was almost 1 pm by the time Reid, Emily, JJ and Garcia made it back to DC. JJ didn't take the exit to Emily and then Reid's apartments, instead she continued down the freeway.

"Hey," Reid protested. "That was my exit."

"I'm not taking us home."

"Where are we going?"

"To the airport. We might as well enjoy the week. We're already packed, after all."

"Just where do you propose we go?"

"I was thinking Hawaii."

"Hawaii," Reid squeaked.

"Yeah, sounds great," Garcia, said. "It's better than that stupid cabin."

"Who's going to pay for that?"

"Reid, you worry too much," Emily said.

"I think it sounds great."

They all glared at Reid until he shrugged and said. "Fine, but just remember who the voice of reason was when we have to explain it to Strauss."

CMCMCMCMCM

The cabin was drafty, but there was plenty of dead wood around for a fire. Rossi put his camping skills to use and made a roaring fire in the stone fireplace. The living area had a couple of very old armchairs and a tattered sofa. Everything smelled musty and shut up, but at least they were under cover for the night. Outside, an owl hooted and something howled back in the woods.

"I'm glad you believe in being prepared," Hotch said to Rossi.

Rossi nodded and saluted him with a glass of his Scotch. "We might as well be comfortable."

Morgan sat roasting several hot dogs over the brightly dancing fire. They hissed and popped in the heat. The smell of cooking meat wafted into the room and made his nose twitch. "They're almost ready."

"Good, I'm starving."

Hotch rose from his chair and was about to go to the cooler Rossi had brought when the door to the cabin banged open with a crash that was like a gun blast.

A hulking man in tattered grey clothing and a filthy brown sweater entered the room with a roaring chainsaw in his hands. His eyes were utterly black and his scarred face resembled rotting meat. He howled and shambled toward them on huge feet and legs that looked like small trees. He smelled of corruption and the grave.

"Great," Rossi said as he reached for his gun. "We should have listened to Garcia."

"I'm not going down without a fight." Morgan shouted over the roar of the chainsaw.

Hotch said nothing, he simply pulled his gun out of his holster and shot the man through the head. The hulking man staggered back but he didn't fall.

"Shit," Rossi said.

"You can say that again," Morgan said. "Now what?"


	2. Sex On The Beach

**_Disclaimer: see my profile_**

**_Sex on the Beach_**

The room was perfect, Reid decided. He dropped his bag on the white throw rug that covered the hard wood floor near the bed. He went to a sparkling window and opened it to let in the sound of sea crashing against the beach at Poipu, Kauai. Somehow, Garcia had managed to rent them a beachfront condo with four separate bedrooms for the week without notice. He had no idea how she was paying for it because the girls wouldn't tell him anything.

He stretched and breathed in the salt air of the ocean and watched the waves roll in under the sun and breathtaking blue skies. It was 70 degrees and he wanted to go outside, but he also wanted to sleep. The day seemed to go on forever the farther west they'd gone. He looked at his watch and couldn't believe it was only 6:30pm Hawaii time.

He toed off his shoes and pulled the blind over the window, but kept it open. The bed was calling his name and he wanted to fall into the fluffy white sheets that made up the huge four-poster. It looked too comfortable to resist even though he was a little hungry. Oh well, he'd sleep and worry about food later.

He closed his eyes ten minutes later and was just at the point where the sea was lulling him into a wonderful sleep when something tickled his ear. He reached back to wave it away and felt something smooth like skin and hard like bone that wasn't part of his head. His eyes popped open and he flipped over.

"Hey, watch it," JJ said. "You nearly knocked me off the bed."

"What are you doing in here?"

"I was bored. I thought you might want to go swimming."

"I'm too tired to swim, JJ. Where're Garcia and Emily."

"We're right here."

He sat up straight as the two women came into his room without invitation.

Emily whistled. "Nice chest, Reid."

"Yeah," JJ said and winked at him.

He pulled the sheet up around his neck. "Do you mind?"

"Yes, we do," Garcia, said. "We're bored and just a little horny."

"What?"

"Oooo," Emily said as she crawled like a cat on to the bed, "I love it when you squeak."

"Guys, what are you doing?"

"I should think it's obvious." JJ said. "We want some fun. Ever had a foursome, Reid."

"What? NO! Go away."

"I called dibs," Emily said as she slid her hand up his arm and to his neck where she began to massage the base of his skull. "I get the first ride."

"Emily," he squeaked like a frightened mouse, despite the fact that her hands were beginning to make little tingles in his stomach.

She leaned in and licked the outside of his ear and he sighed, and then sat up straight. They almost cracked heads, but Emily didn't stop lightly stroking his arm. Her right hand yanked the sheet out of his hands and pulled it down to pool around his hips. Too late, he remembered that he wasn't wearing boxers or pajamas and something was beginning to stir to attention.

"No… that's not what we decided," JJ said. "_I_ get the first ride."

"JJ, you're um, you're Henry's mom and what about Will."

"Spence, Henry's just a baby and I'm not married. Anyway, you're on my list, so it's okay."

She'd begun to slide her hand up and down the outside of his left thigh. He tried to cross his legs, but his limbs wouldn't cooperate with what his brain wanted or go against his hormones. If he didn't look down, he could fool himself into believing that there wasn't a tent forming under the sheet in the region of his dick.

"What list?" He gasped idiotically.

"Well, mostly its guys I'd never have a chance with like Brad Pitt or Liam Hemsworth, but you're on it too. I made a deal with Will that if I ever had the chance, I could make an exception.

"JJ," he squeaked again. "I'm Henry's godfather."

"Yeah, but you're not my godfather. I'm not letting this chance go by."

"Garcia," he whimpered in a halfhearted plea for help, but she wore a pink lace negligee that left nothing to the imagination and her curves were amazing.

"Mmm…" She murmured. "I gotta say JJ and Emily are right, you're hot."

"What about Morgan or Kevin."

"We're not looking for a declaration of love," she said and the others nodded. "Just a little sexy fun on the beach. Why don't you stop complaining and show us how much stamina you've got."

She slid onto the bed and pulled down the sheet. "Oh my, I think you protest too much, Dr. Reid."

Emily let go of his ear and licked her lips. "Ladies, I think Dr. Reid needs a _little_ encouragement."

Her head bowed down in the direction of his groin, and his hips arched up off the bed. "Oh God," he cried as more waves pounded the beach and the shore breezes pushed the blinds in and out like the rhythm of his heartbeat.

CMCMCMCMCM

Morgan slung his go bag onto his desk and sat down gingerly. His leg still ached from their week off, but his black eye was finally getting back to normal.

He eyed the stack of work on his desk and scowled. Strauss made them leave for a week for a stupid team building exercise the nearly gets them killed and yet the work kept piling up.

Reid entered the bullpen and hurried to his desk. He picked up his coffee cup and was in the act of heading to the break room when Morgan noticed him.

"Hey, pretty boy, what the hell happened to you?"

Reid's hand went to his neck, but Morgan was already smiling. "Is that a hickey I see."

"Shut up," he hissed and hurried away to the break room with Morgan on his heels.

"Okay, what's going on? I called baby-girl and she refuses to tell me what you did for the last week. JJ isn't talking and I can't get Emily to answer the phone.

"It's top secret."

"Oh cut it with the top secret crap. You come in here looking like you got laid and I gotta know what's going on."

Reid put down his coffee cup and refused to meet Morgan's eyes. "I can't tell you. It wouldn't be right."

"Come on, it's me. I won't say anything."

"Right, I've heard that before," he grabbed his cup and poured out some coffee.

Morgan waited for him to add in his usual three teaspoons of sugar. He watched Reid stir if for several long moments.

"Alright, but you have to promise not to tell."

"I swear on my father's grave."

Reid's eyebrows went up. "Seriously, it's not that important."

"Did you meet someone over the week?"

"No," Reid squeaked.

"Oh, so it's someone you know. Do the girls know because they wouldn't tell me and - oh wait? It was one of them. Which one, not Garcia?"

Reid went scarlet and began drinking his coffee like water. He choked and spit it onto the floor.

"No way," Morgan growled

"Morgan, it's not my fault. They were the ones that -"

"They!"

"Um, yeah, Emily, JJ and Garcia. See we went to Hawaii and -"

"Hawaii, you were in Hawaii when Rossi, Hotch and I were stuck in the woods with an un-killable psycho with a chainsaw. Thank God, Rossi had a satellite phone and managed to call for help after we turned the tables on the guy and dismembered him. Geez, I never thought any of those crazy movies you like would come in handy, but we had to burn what was left and -"

"Hey, you're shouting and we're supposed to be talking about me." Reid interrupted loudly.

"Right," Morgan lowered his voice and people in the bullpen that had been staring at them went back to work. "Tell me all about what happened in Hawaii.

"I don't know what happened. I think there must be something in the water or the sand because they went nuts and -"

"And what," Morgan said with a smirk. "Did they scare you, pretty boy?"

"Shut up, it's not funny. They all came into my room and the next thing I know, oh man, it was -"

"Fun," Morgan suggested. "I've never had a foursome, so -"

"Morgan, come on it wasn't like that. It was awesome and I don't mean in the eighties vernacular. The dictionary defines awesome as inspiring an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration or fear, causing or inducing awe and -"

"Alright, I get the picture. I don't need the gory details."

"How am I supposed to work with them? What about JJ, she said I was on some kind of exception list that was okay with Will, but it still feels like cheating and what about Garcia, she's supposed to be like my sister, only not that day, and Emily -"

"Wow, I really don't want to hear this," Morgan said. "When I said you need some lovin' I didn't mean for you to go out and have a foursome your first time out of the gate."

"I know, but I couldn't stop myself. I feel like a prize stallion passed around at a stud farm."

"Look, don't tell anyone what you told me and when you see the girls just act normal."

"I don't think I can," Reid hissed as he realized the Emily had come into the bullpen."

"You'll have to try."

"What if I can't?"

"Then you're in big trouble, my man."

"Is that all the advice you have?"

"No, the next time Strauss wants us to go on a team building exercise, pretend to be sick."

**_THE END_**


End file.
